Archive for Soapbox rants

Kitchen etiquette for diners

February 5, 2012 Soapbox rants One comment

If you’ve ever wanted to “meet the chef” or see the kitchen, this rant is for you.

NEVER wander back into the kitchen on your own, without an invitation or an escort. I don’t care who you think you are, we don’t want you there.

Sure, I get that you want to feel like a big man, or a popular host, or whatever, just because you know the chef and you want to show off for your guests by being “in”. Don’t do it. You’re not actually making the chef happy, you’re in fact guaranteeing that the chef and staff actually thinks less of you, as in “What kind of jag-off thinks he can just waltz back into my kitchen unwanted?” And what do you think that attitude is going to do to the overall level of service you get for the rest of the evening?

Not even other professional chefs are welcomed uninvited, but of course, if you’re a professional I would expect you to know the industry etiquette (sadly, though, many professional chefs are even bigger assholes than our guests).

That said, however, we chefs are extremely proud of our kitchens, our team, and the amazing work and effort that goes on here. And we like to show off and be admired just as much as the next guy. The way to do this is to ask your server or one of the floor staff if you can get a tour of the kitchen and meet the chef. If you put on even the slightest veneer of humility, just about every chef will graciously invite you back.

For me, if you ask ahead of time, I can make sure the place is clean, orderly, and safe for non-professionals. Getting invited back to the kitchen is getting to peek behind the curtain, and see how things really work. I know that if I have admiring guests, I love to show them everything and let them sample things, and talk with them about their own cooking experiences. I will talk their ear off! Guests who know and love food as much as professionals are a breed apart, and it’s always great to connect with someone who you’re serving food to.

But so help me god, if you waltz back into the kitchen like you own the place, you definitely run the risk of getting bodily thrown out!

Recipe disclaimer

January 15, 2012 Recipes, Soapbox rants 4 comments

Cooking is not a science (and neither is baking for that matter, but that’s a topic for another day, I’m sure), and cooking is not an art (Definitely a topic for another day!). Cooking is a craft. This means that it can be learned and perfected.

The easiest way to succeed at cooking is practice. And one of the parts of this practice is to read the recipe, several times through before you start anything. For god’s sake, do not start making a souffle and THEN realize the oven has to be on at 450F. Your souffle will die well before the oven gets hot enough. So if you read the recipe through before you start, you’ll be able to avoid many pitfalls, even if the recipe is poorly written.

All recipes are only a guideline. Don’t take ANY recipe as gospel, not even baking recipes. You can always change things, and depending on who wrote the recipe, your results may vary.

Recipes can be written to any skill level. Professional/kitchen/production recipes have a completely different format than the ones you’d find online (at say, AllRecipes), or the ones you’d find at Cook’s Illustrated (which are RIDICULOUSLY long and detailed. Just try actually using one of these things in a production environment. You’ll get your ass handed to you by the chef.)

Some constants do exist, though, or at least, there are some conventions that should be observed. All of the recipes on this blog will follow these conventions.

  1. Ingredients should be listed in order of their incorporation, meaning sequentially. This makes the recipe much easier to keep track of where you are in the process.
  2. Descriptions of ingredients in the ingredient list matter. “Onion, minced; 32 oz” is not the same as “Onion; 32oz”. The first means to mince a bunch of onions, weigh it out until you have 32 oz. The second means take whole onions and weigh out 32 oz. The first option is much easier and accurate in a production environment; the second is much easier when you’re in the store shopping.
  3. “Oz” or “Ounces” ought to ALWAYS be weight. If the recipe writer intends volume measurement he or she damn well better be using “Fl oz” or “Fluid ounces”. Chalk this one up to being on the avoirdupois system instead of the metric system (not that I particularly love the metric system, it’s absolute shit for measuring temperature. The gradients aren’t as finely divided as Farenheit).
  4. If the writer means volume, the recipe should use “fl oz”. Yes, I realize this is the same as #3, just said differently, but I feel pretty strongly about this one. Part of me is a pastry chef and this indiscriminate use of “ounces” really kills me.

Oh, and just for shits and grins, here are two simple recipes written to extremely different audiences. Mostly tongue-in-cheek, but there is some truth here. Obviously, most recipes will fall somewhere in the middle on this spectrum.

Mayonnaise, Detailed version
aka the Microsoft PM
1 Large AA chicken egg
1 tablespoon white wine vinegar
1 teaspoon Kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon white refined sugar (cane or beet)
1/2 teaspoon Dijon mustard (Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?)
1 cup Canola oil

1. Separate egg yolk from white by carefully breaking the shell in half, and pouring the egg back and forth until the white falls away and you just have the yolk remaining. Place yolk in the work bowl of a food processor.
2. Pour vinegar into food processor with the yolk and add the salt, sugar, and Dijon. Put the lid on the food processor and pulse four times for 1 second each pulse.
3. Take off the lid and scrape down the sides of the work bowl. Replace the lid.
4. Turn on the food processor and slowly drizzle in the Canola oil through the little hole in the lid of the work bowl. This should be a thin, steady stream, at a rate of about .25 fluid ounces per second.
5. Remove the lid of the work bowl and scrape down the sides. Replace lid and pulse 4-6 times (sorry for the lack of specificity here) until everything is completely homogenous.
6. Remove the lid of the work bowl and dip a tasting spoon into the mayonnaise and taste. Evaluate for acid, saltiness, and sweetness. Adjust each seasoning as necessary, since flavor may vary, based in large part to the variance between the size of any given egg yolk.
7. Scrape mayonnaise out of work bowl into an airtight container and seal tightly. This will keep in the refrigerator for at least one month.

Mayonnaise, Professional version
aka Who the fuck can’t make mayo?
Make mayonnaise. Season to taste.

I just don’t get it

January 23, 2009 Blog postings, Soapbox rants No comments

So I’m at Cafe Ladro in Kirkland and they’ve got Elvis Costello blaring. What is it with this crush that hipsters seem to have on this guy?